well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
