Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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