Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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