I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
