well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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