5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
40s are totally the cure
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
