Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Houston, we have a blender
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
