you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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