so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
