She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
