If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
