I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
