At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
