bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
