I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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