Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
