I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
