she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
