I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
