new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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