woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
