sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
