Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
