I want to have your abortion
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
