If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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