oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
