Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
