I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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