On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
