Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
