The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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