I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
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im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
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i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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