I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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