Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
