Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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