who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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