Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
