I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
