omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
