You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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