I wish I could teleport
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
