dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
