You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
