oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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