Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
