Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize