My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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