Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.