im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis