tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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