I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
