Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
