my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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