update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
