Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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