This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
