He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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