Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
