Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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