why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
