I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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