I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
