I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
